Hi, I have no sense of propriety, want to know what color my feces was this morning?

So this morning I was riding the 14 bus and I saw this dude<<<<< right here.

He seemed fairly normal at first, but pretty quickly, the whole ride spun out of control into complete lunacy, and I was subjected to the best TMI moment of all time.

He got a call from his significant other, and I immediately noticed he had a REALLY obnoxious, whiny, nasal, condescending tone. I can’t properly express how much of a douche this guy sounded like. Imagine this almost sarcastic level of condescension

“Ok-AAAAAAAY Hun-eeee!!!! Ohhhh-KAAAAYYYYYYY!”” as though passive aggressive was going out of style and you’ve got a barrel-full that’s going stale.

The conversation was vague at first:

“No, no I don’t KNOW where you put them! No!!!! Well *tsk* I’m on the  BUS right nooooow, but when I get hoooome, I’ll look around, but I did NOT take… no! NO!”…. pause

“Yeah, ok-aaaaaaaay! Okaaaaaay, WHATEVER you say, HUNEEE!!!! Well, I didn’t…. What’s going to happen when I go and look and they’re NOT there, huh????”

 Now keep in mind that this guy clearly couldn’t tell an inside voice from a hole in the ground, so this was especially loud. I was really glad I was wearing earplugs, but they really couldn’t do much to buffer this nails-on-chalkboard voice he had going. Clearly, it was loud, because from across the bus, with earplugs, I could still clearly hear EVERY WORD of his conversation.

But then it happened and it was all worth it.

http://www.nickrodrigues.com/ "The Portable Cellular Phone Booth provides a visual image of social sacrifices and opportunities to interact with one another lost due to our own self-involvement."

He said clearly

“No, I didn’t take your underwear HUN-EEEEE, that was an honest mistake! Well, that was not my intention! Well I don’t know, but that’s NOT what I was….”

and so on.

Now, I’m not sure if maybe the guy was talking with his boyfriend and it WAS just an honest mistake, but I’m hoping that this guy was wearing some Victoria’s Secret bikini briefs under his slacks. We’ll never know, but I DO know that I have had it up to here with listening to shit that I DON’T NEED TO FUCKING KNOW.

If you have a cell phone, for the love of all that is sacred, please have some fucking decency and save the “who stole whose underwear” conversation for later. If you must have it in public, find a place where you’re not surrounded by people and have it at a discreet volume.

I swear that the next time I see someone trying to pull some shit like this, I am seriously going to just stare at them without blinking, until they feel really uncomfortable. Last time someone sat next to me on the bus and did this, I covered my ears comically and sang “LALALALALALALA!” really loudly, which also worked.

Please, if you see this happening, don’t let them get away with it. If they’re being respectful and speaking *very quietly* or clearly trying to get off the phone, or texting or whatever- no biggie- but only YOU can prevent obnoxious fucks. So please, be aware and make sure to pass along the good word.

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