My peas are small but happy.
I planted them late this year, and I think with all the gnarly weather we had until recently it was for the best.
What’s on my mind today:
Sometimes the most comforting thought I can muster is that the human race is finite, and that we will at some point have an expiration date.
Every Sunday I sit in the back of the bus because the loud obnoxiously chatty old couple I call Denny and Shirley always sit up front and I have to move. Shirley has a voice like nails on a chalkboard, and even with earplugs she gives me instant migranes. They always find a seat right in front of me and make inane, blaring conversation with one another. This time I think ahead- I go to the back of the bus.
So do they.
They sit right in front of me as though they are somehow aware that I just want quiet. So I move again, to the very back row where the drunks sit. Lady sits right next to me. Talking as LOUDLY as possible about her personal life on her cell phone. I sing LALALALALA In a REALLY obvious manner. She finally gets the picture and moves. By then it’s time to get off the bus.
Off the bus: On my way to work there’s a dead pigeon in the street. Car drives over it. Horrible pop. I have to go pick it up with the sleeve of my sweater and put it in the ivy, half in tears. All I can think about is how disgusted I am with everyone.
I try to picture the city overgrown with forest, being reclaimed by the earth and how QUIET everything would be. No more cars, no more shrieking teenagers, just birds and fish and squirrels and deer and bears. No more assholes in expensive suits, no more nice bums that you politely avoid, no more sidewalks, or bikes, or offices.
It’s sometimes the most wonderful thing I can imagine. A plague, catastrophic climate shift, anything that would eradicate us. I only regret that I wouldn’t be able to appreciate it. I (of course) imagine being the only one here- or one of a tiny group of survivors. But really, I’m no more deserving of that than anyone else.
But I do know- I mean- I know as an irrefutable scientific fact that we won’t last forever. Even if we managed to not destroy ourselves though war or climate change (which is much more likely), the earth will eventually become uninhabitable because the sun will simply get too hot. Before that though, we should have some major species crushing disasters that will, at the very least, bottleneck humanity down to a few thousand or hundred thousand members. That’s good enough for me, and really… that’s all I want. Not gone completely- just… mostly. There are just too goddamned many of us, and we’re disgusting.
I’m a big believer in catastrophic climate shifts- which is nice at times like this. I think- in a few thousand, or even a few hundred years we’ll be nowhere near the dominating force we are now. It’s really comforting. It’s like believing in armageddon only there are facts involved.
The Permain extinction was caused by the gradual buildup of C02 and methane from peat bogs and volcanoes- it killed around 99% of all life on land and in the ocean, completely eclipsing the more popular and well known K-T dinosaur asteroid. The ocean currents ceased, turning our water into an anoxic wasteland, inhabited only py purple sulpher bacteria, which breathe out hydrogen sulfide, a toxic gas.
The ocean would have looked purplish and thick from the bacterial mats. It would have been kind of mellow and slow motion without currents, no big crashing waves- just a slow, oily sloshing. It would have belched up bubbles of gas, like a bog- only the gas was poisonous, and if you were standing onl shore, you would smell the overpowering stench of rotting eggs, then you would die.
It’s like the earth was pushing back against too much life- she was getting annoyed by all the noise-
There have been other times that climate shift has done away with most life. The dinosaurs were in pretty bad shape before the K-T impact. Things already looked pretty grim. Not poison oceans grim, but still, not great. Most species were hanging on by the raggedy edge already, and the impact was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Soon, we’ll be looking back at our squabbling politicians and shaking our heads sadly at our own pathetic inaction, but it will be way, way too late. I’d say it probably already is. Which is fine.
I wish I could glimpse a few hundred years into the future and see where we’re at when the Amazon rainforest carbon sink is gone and there are no polar ice caps. When the asian monsoon is an ancient memory but the pacific northwest monsoon is totally the norm. When most atolls are long sunk and New Orelans is Atlantis. I’d just like to take a PEEK. A glimpse- to sate my curious mind.
So anyway.
That’s my morning.
I like this alot.
I feel the same most of the time, i just want to escape the disgusting human race of consumers and live in a community of people who just worry about shelter, food and fire wood and yknow telling storys round the fire, my canoeing is my small escapism that gets me feeling like that existence could almost be real.
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On saving planet earth…they had that big meet up in stockholm? (i forget where somewhere in scandanavia)..anyways the one thing they could have all signed up to was encouraging everyone to only have 1 kid as the population is really getting stupidly out of control…for some just taking away the “family allowence” that they get for every kid away would be enough to stop them having so many seemed like a logical and easy step to take yet the only person who i have heard mention the population problem on tv is David Attenborough (i will just find the quote) “There are three times as many people in the world as when I started making television programmes only a mere 56 years ago,” that is scary he is a smart man, the bbc run that quote on an advert and yet nobody seems to take any notice.
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although saving the earth is a misnomer anyways it will save itself by hitting the reset button and getting rid of us…..
i think i am rambling. sorry. (and it may make no sense..i am at the red wine)
i sometimes think i should have been born a hundred years ago or more, i love todays knowledge and technology but somehow i don’t really feel i fit in.
yeah Thanks for this post, facebook and all that stuff can get me down, nice to read your stuff something thoughful and full of substance… facebook is full of the shallow masses.
Your Stupid English pal
Fry/Matt
You’re really the only thing I miss about LJ, Matt.
You know, sometimes I think about coming to England with the sole purpose of paying you a visit, and falling asleep in your boat with my toes hanging in the water.
That probably sounds a little weird since we’ve never even met, but I know you GET IT. And there are so precious few people who do- I think there’s an instant rapport amongst those who GET IT.
if that makes any sense at all.
I miss wine. I can’t get hammered anymore, and boy do I sometimes miss burying my awareness. It all just gets so bloody CLEAR sometimes, and I’d really like to have the option of blurring it out, but that wouldn’t be fair.
I wear earplugs just to go out in the world. I was just thinking this morning about how I don’t really know how many more years of city life I cant take, not that I have much choice in the matter- at least until my house is partially paid off or my credit’s not shot so I can buy a place out in the middle of nowhere. plus I’d have to learn to drive, and commute… ugh.
You can imagine living in a city Fry. Imagine having your mind and living in a city. That’s how I feel a lot- and why I don’t leave my yard very much.
You know what’s funny? I can’t watch tv or anything anymore- the commercials send me into fits of rage- and most tv shows just made my head feel like it’s on fire-
One of the ONLY things I can watch? Good ol’ David. There’s something about him that’s just so… calming.
And I saw this footage recently- of him stadning in this crowd of people- this huge crowd- and he just looked… so sad and disgusted. Just like how I feel. And you feel, I think.
Like – how did we get here? And why does no one else seem to understand where we are?
Like he wanted to throw his arms in the air and run around in circles screaming “WOuld all of you just stop FUCKING?” But of course he would never do that. Cause he’s him.
I didn’t know you guys had wild foxes in your cities. We just get opossums and raccoons. I’m kinda jealous.
Oh, and one child per? That sounds like an EXCELLENT idea, which is why we would never do such a thing. HAHAHAHAHA.
Write back
i live in a village of 3000 or so and its a long thin village so i can walk into fields in 1 minute from my house or cross the main street and walk into fields on the other side of the village in about 5 minutes and i have had quite a few close encounters with Foxes.
The Escape from humans is far easier here but even here there is no escape from the constant hum of traffic and the amount of police sirens in the last few years seems to have reached the amount you hear in a movie set in the inner citys…
People though, when i go shopping i tend to watch the people i am all at once intrigued amused and yes a little depresed i wish people would’nt revel in thier ignorance i’m certainly not clever but there are certain people who jksut raise the bar in the stupidity stakes and its not really real stupidness just an unwillingness to want to know things which is far worse relaly.
I dunno sometimes the world jsut makes me want to be a lighthouse keeper or a fire spotter in one of those watch towers but yknow yeah…i need people too alot of the time.
David Attenborough has been one of those constants in life for me….back when i was a kid we only had 3 channels on tv (bbc1 bbc2 and itv) and i can remember loving the series life on earth and even getting the book of the series weird that i remember that…..loved the blue planet most of all though all that awe inspiring footage of whales and sharks jsut constantly blew my mind over and over while watching.
I just wish more people would watch the BBC docs rather than the “talent” shows but as long as the BBC keep making them there is still hope for the future….my godson is into dinosaurs and all kinds of animals, he is now 9 and has a really sharp sense of humour and world play i wish i saw him a little more.
rambling again.
It’s a hard line to walk. You want a certain amount of interaction- or rather- you need it to stay sane. Sometimes being around people is really nice, and at least for my part, primate bonding is really nice. Sharing a back rub or even just a hug can be really gratifying if you’re low on human contact.
But then sometimes I would really love to find a nice hut somewhere in a world with no people, and spend my days just watching the sun rise and set. Simple shit. Gardening, fishing, lying in the grass. It sounds wonderful- and so fucking quiet.
You would not believe how loud it is here sometimes- or you would- I mean, you’re not far from London- I’m sure you know what a city sounds like/ smells like. It’s an assault on the senses. I get burned out, even though I’m pretty well practiced at blocking this shit out.
If you have an even greater aversion- as I suspect you do- plus a dose of shyness- then I imagine you would have a seizure if you spent too much time in the city. Yikes.
I love his wildlife specials- they recently put a bunch of them up on Netflix instant view. I also have a bunch of old VHSs. There’s something about his countenance, and voice, that I find really really calming. His delight around animals is palpable, and I share it. The only other person I feel that way about is Carl Sagan.
Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you dig him- he is thoroughly diggable.
I’ve never seen a fox in real life. I’m terribly jealous. Maybe at the zoo.. but does that eve really count?
And if you’re rambling, then I’m just as bad- sheesh- If you’ll notice my comments are at LEAST as long as yours.
I don’t get any LJ rambling at you anymore, so this is great. I missed our joint rambling. It’s very nice.
So yeah- I sometimes think about moving- but it’s so overwhelming and impractical. Right now I’m in one of the loudest, dirtiest parts of town- which isn’t saying much cause Pdx is actually a great city, very green- but still- it does get to me.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to get a big old farmhouse on the outskirts or something. That would be like a dream.
Thank you for posting this. I can’t tell you how many times I fantasize about the same thing. Sometimes, I fantasize about the opposite, though. I think about how much I would like to see the earth when it was so beautiful and quiet… before there were so many people, and before we fucked it all up with civilization.
I completely relate. Well said lady.
Oh dear, how many ways I can relate..
I suppose on some level it’s a bit more salient considering I’m transgender. But still even long before that, I’ve felt no connection with this society I see myself surrounded with. (or cattle if you prefer..)
I admire anybody that can actually handle public transit and not come out of it somewhat scarred. I would walk miles, I mean like 9-12 mile round trips, to go visit various friends-whatnot before I got my car a couple years back here.
It’s just an all too glaring reality of how utterly messed up this society has become any time I’d go on it. I think what gets me most, is having to see the complete lack of regard, decency, or common sense that people have. And it’s not a small percentage, at least in tri-met land, I dare say it’s the majority.
So in something like 20 years living here I’ve been on transit perhaps three times, maybe four at the most.
Makes me wonder sometimes why we still call it ‘common’ sense. I think you have to fare better than 50% in order to call something common..
A lot of people think my apprehension in public is related with my current path in life. It’s hard to explain sometimes that it’s an element that’s always existed. And when the proof is in the pudding, as it were, oh how easy it gets to become jaded. So easy to just close off..
So I get to kick myself a lot and remind myself to at least enter new situations with an open mind, at least give things a chance. And gladly it pays off sometimes..
~hugs u~
Ok enough, I’m feeling it too much now, and don’t want to post a full-rant out here, lol..
But oh yeah, I feel ya.
Mira
Thanks Mira Dear. I don’t usually mind the bus- I’m kinda used to it I suppose, but sometimes my barriers just don’t work.
Everything you’ve said here was awesome, and I’m glad to know you understand, though I wouldn’t have even considered otherwise.
Sometimes it’s just all kinda overwhelming. Feels good to be understood